Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
