You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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