He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
