life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
