my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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