If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
