Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
