38 yer olds are good kisserssss
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
