I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize