My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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