i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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