Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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