Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
