like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
