walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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