Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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