Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
