i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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