You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
