I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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