i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
