never play flip cup with pint glasses
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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