life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
