take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize