Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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