My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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