i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
