Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
