Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
