I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
