They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
