It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
