I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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