In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
