i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
