I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
