the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
