When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Someone signed my nipple.
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