Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
