tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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