My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
