your parents love me but you hate me
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
