I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
