I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
