dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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