Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
