Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
