Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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