dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
