I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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