Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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