When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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