cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
