Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
